“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”
It’s that time of year again. The dreaded month of MAY-hem. Where chaos reigns and all routines get upended, yet summer seems forever just out of reach (especially in the Midwest, when you’re still in seventeen layers for any kid’s sporting event after sundown).
About a decade ago, I first coined the term “Project MAY-hem” with my description of the wild-eyed panic of POSACs (Parent of School-Aged Children) as the end of the school year approaches – chock-full of projects, events, celebrations and extracurriculars that require approximately eleventy-seven extra hours per day to accomplish. I concluded that MAY-hem ends with the even more terrifying beginning of the summer months, when your young children immediately proclaim, “I’m bored.”
The yearly transition from school year rigidity to summer whimsy remains intact as my boys grow up, but the shifts in routines and rituals have been at times astonishing, maddening, hilarious, and bittersweet. For example:
The 2:00 am Panicked Wake-up Call: Did we finish the project? Will the costume fit? Is that glitter in my hair? -vs- Did he finish his paper? Is he home yet? Why is there glitter in his hair?
The Funky Smells: You smell like you haven’t bathed in weeks. No, the sprinkler doesn’t count as a shower! -vs- Yikes, you stink… wait, come here. What, exactly, is that smell?
Carpool Negotiations: OK, we’re in charge of the preschool group pickup but we scored a ride to the birthday party and from the game. Do we have enough booster seats? -vs- Wait, you’re driving yourself? Can I still go, if I drive separately? You know you can’t drive more than three of your friends, right?
The Great Summer Purge: None of these shorts fit. You don’t play with that anymore. How is another electronic broken? -vs- Please stop wearing that offensive t-shirt. You won’t play with that again? You mean, like, EVER? We should check that your electronics work before we pack them for college.
Physical Contact: Yes, you can have one more hug before bedtime, but I think we’re close to 100 now. You really have to go to bed, my love. -vs- Just one hug, please? How about if you just stand there and I hug you from the side?
Choices: Stop hitting your brother! Please make better choices. -vs- Have fun with your friends tonight! Please make good choices.
The transitions are subtle for years, until they are dramatic. All of the milestones are joyful celebrations. And yet, as childhood recedes into their rearview mirror (figuratively and literally), it means that your parenting role changes in ways that can feel very much like a loss.
Every Mother’s Day, I get pop-up reminders from past celebrations and musing. One of my posts, “The Sweet Spot,” was a reflection on enjoying the moment you’re in. It hit particularly hard this year:
There are a few years in your life as a mom when you realize (often in hindsight) that you’re in a sweet spot… I’m feeling blessed to realize, in advance, that we’re hitting one right now. The boys are in 10th, 7th and 4th… No “firsts,” no “lasts,” no “big pressure” years – they’ve all established themselves and are finding their own sweet spots – and I love being a witness and a cheerleader to it all. I am going to do everything in my power this year to enjoy… Because it all goes way too fast and next year (11th, 8th, 5th) will be a doozy…So, cheers, Moms on whatever spot you find yourselves in – May it always be sweet!
This year, we are full of those doozy moments I mention. Big changes, big transitions and some big losses. I have been blessed with very few true losses as a parent. But when they do hit – whew. Every stage of grief gets amplified and second-guessed as you mourn alongside your child, often helpless to fix it for them. “You’re only as happy as your least happy child,” is a saying for a reason.
The first broken heart; the rejections by teams, schools, and peers; the losses in big games; that one bad grade – all feel like body blows for teens and young adults. You know it’ll get better but, in those big doozy moments, it’s hard to believe that will ever be true. Some days, I’d kill for a simple potty-training accident or skinned knee.
Then they bounce back. They blossom. They soar. They succeed. They don’t need that reassuring hug or “healing” kiss from you. Thankfully, they’ll still usually accept it. Because now you’re the one who needs it and they instinctively seem to sense that.
Parenthood done right is a long, slow slide into redundancy. Every celebration, every milestone, every “doozy” and every change comes with a “last,” an “end,” a loss. Every sweet spot is a moment captured in time that will not come again. However, there is always a “first” around the corner, too. The rollercoaster of parenthood trundles on. Enjoy the ride!
“And when you finally fly away, I’ll be hoping that I served you well. For all the wisdom of a lifetime, no one can ever tell. But whatever road you choose, I’m right behind you, win or lose. (For in my heart you will remain) FOREVER YOUNG”
*Opening Quote lyrics from “Closing Time” by Semisonic. Closing Quote lyrics from “Forever Young” by Rod Stewart